Note: This is an old one in which I sarcastically mentioned that I thought
guns should be banned, in order to make my planned career as a criminal
and petty dictator easier. It's in the "Humor" section for a reason...
I wish more cities would ban guns. I hate to admit this, but I've done
B&E once or twice when I was younger. Not to steal anything, mind you, just
fishing for information. I took nothing but photos and notes, and left
nothing but fibers. (Note: This is what's called a "brown bag job.")
A buddy and I once caught fleas (the place was a real pigsty) doing this,
but that's another story.
Now if the homeowner had been home, I could have been shot, and that
really would have sucked! It might have also gotten blood and holes in my
borrowed cable TV installer's uniform, and then I'd've had some explaining
As long as there are nearly-bankrupt former Soviet republics out there,
there will be a source for guns for guys like me, but not for "Joe Average."
Shit, if I can't buy one on the black market, I'll machine a simple pen or
zip, and don't even have to do that, as they're easy to make. Naturally,
this stacks the odds in my favor.
Now when the big mushroom goes up and civilization collapses, I intend to
start a gang of bandits and rule the surrounding countryside with an iron
fist, just like "Kublai Kraus" in that animated Christmas special. I've even
got some war paint in the bureau (hidden beneath the fishnet stockings and
lacy panties) for the day that happens.
Since shrinkydink types claim everything's a phallic symbol, I intend to
call my gang the Tallywhacker Bandits (TallyBan -- get it? Ain't I just
ever-so-fucking witty?-- for short) just to piss them off, before I have
every one of them executed.
Since I like guns and ancient history, and intend to beat the whole
phallic meat -- I mean "symbol"-- thing to death, and will be doing my
damndest to bring back the Dark Ages, I'll probably change my name to "Avar
Johnson" or something else with an equally bad pun included.
Needless to say, I don't want other survivalist-type assholes with guns
pissing on my parade. When I assert my prima nocta rights, I don't need
armed resistance. I just wanna get my rocks off and go home uninjured, just
like any other perfectly normal Road Warrior-style bandit kinglet.
Oh, and it'll be open season on postal workers, 'cause I saw that movie
and don't need that kind of shit. Postal workers themselves tend to --
well -- "go postal" and the end of civilization is likely to be somewhat
stressful (they'll be unable to collect their benefits, and that might piss
them off considerable-like) so I'll have to nip that in the bud very
Since I also intend to reinstate slavery (it won't be race-based, but
will depend upon taste in literature, booze and music, as well as upon
whether or not you agree with everything I say. You will be perfectly free
to agree with me, just not to disagree), I don't need armed uprisings.
Like my hero Pol Pot (now THAT's some fuckin' serious "killer Cambodian,"
dude! Gives new meaning to the term "getting wasted"...) I intend to zap
everyone with an education, or who wears boxer shorts (I wear glasses, so
that criterion pretty much gets shitcanned from the get-go). I'm going to
outdo "the Potster," though, and take us back to the year negative four!
This will be much easier if people don't shoot back at me. Hmmm. "Pol Potsie
Weber". Got a nice ring to it. Maybe I'll name one of my 500+ bastard sons
The National Guard might be a pain in the butt at first, but I reckon
the ones with families will desert. When they do that, I'll pick 'em off
one-by-one, because I really do need some SAWs. I want one per six henchmen,
or is that overkill? A few M203s would be nice, too, once again at a 1/6
ratio. That might be too much, too, but I reckon "too much is never enough",
as Karen Carpenter once said. Or was it Mama Cass who said that? I can't
remember. Oh well, fuck it. Not important, anyway.
I'm actually gonna take a page from the Soviets' book and "up the ante" by
attaching one sniper/sharpshooter per squad. My henchmen will be plied
with plenty of booze, meth and viagra, too. See? The world is increasingly
fucked by the minute, ain't it? I think this is particularly brilliant
(you'd better agree, or I'll sentence you to life in the shit mines, me
bucko!) because one can only imagine the destructive potential of a
drunken, heavily armed slob who's horny as a three-balled billygoat, but
suffering from a case of "speedpecker."
I know I'd be pretty cranky (no pun
That's right, babydolls, you'd best not step on my fuckin' blue suede
Admittedly, armor might be a problem, but that's what the penal battalions
are for, silly. Just strap a remote-detonated shaped charge to 'em, and say
"Go lay on that tank, Deadboy, or I'll Super Glue™ your butt-cheeks
Now back to armed resistance, which I don't want or need: Women tend to
be cranky, overly emotional and irrational, so the 21st Amendment is toast.
The new rule will be "No scrote, no vote." Not that it matters much anyway,
as this will be a dictatorship, and I probably won't have the money to
waste on maintaining such charades as "free elections" for the benefit of
nosy foreigners (and I intend to illegalize them, too), but women
absolutely won't be allowed to vote. This is likely to piss them off a
bit, and I don't want to get picked off by a disgruntled member of my own
The easy-to-remember, idiot-friendly mnemonic rhyme for that'un'll
probably be something like "No shortarm, no firearm," but that doesn't quite
sound right. Needs some work.
I might allow the lumpenproles (Sounds like a pretty spiffy name for a
cartoon, doesn't it?) to do pointless things like sing "If I had a Hammer,"
but not while I'm trying to sleep. You see, the general public will be
living under Communism, while I and my henchmen reap the benefits of a
socially Darwinistic form of feudalism. That should make everyone happier
than a pig in shit. Since complaining will be illegal, it really doesn't
matter whether they're happy or not.
Anyone other than me caught making up patronizing, idiot-friendly,
easy-to-remember rhymes like "See a gun, call 9-1-1" or "If the glove don't
fit, you must acquit" will be sacrificed to Götoğul, the god of Turkish
prisons. Actually, I've heard that American prisons are worse, but that's
neither here nor there. There won't be many prisons in my "Brave New World,"
as everything will be punishable by death, even suicide!
Animal rights activists will be employed in my baby harp seal
slaughterhouse/whale oil rendering plant/snail darter cannery. All day long,
they'll be serenaded by my voice, crooning "Wouldn't this be easier if you
had a gun?" just to rub it in. The rest will be drafted and sent off to die
when I declare war on Honalee.
Greenie-weenies will be employed in my special pollution factory. Can't
claim the credit for that one; I swiped it from an episode of Captain
Planet, in which I -- along with the sugar-wired, tubby little Happy
Meal-eaters of America (my excuse for watching it was that I was 26,
unemployed, sitting around in my bathrobe and high as a kite) -- was
expected to believe that a multi-billion dollar corporation had been set up
for the sole purpose of manufacturing toxins to dump on the rainforest. (I'm
gonna illegalize rainforests, too, BTW). They'll only be allowed outside for
the annual burning of the Yule tire.
(Message for "Kooky": Fork over the fucking comb posthaste, or I'll
definitely take a giant shit on you. The chick is, in fact, the ginchiest,
and I'm getting very tired of hearing her whining.)
Well, I guess that's about it.
Nighty-night, sleep tight, and don't let the crab lice bite,
© David J. Bean, 2004, 2006