Like Rodney Dangerfield, sauerkraut don't get no respect. In this country, in particular, it's relegated to the lowly realm of hot dog toppings, or merely served as a garnish with bratwurst or kielbasa.
This is a crying shame, as the underappreciated vegetable is a delicacy in its own right, especially when cooked properly. High in fiber and vitamin C, sauerkraut can rightly be considered health food. Its crisp, acidic piquancy also makes it the perfect accompaniment for meats and oilier poultry, such as duck and goose.
Like any food, though, sauerkraut is only as good as the cook who prepares it. Since most cooks, in my experience, prepare sauerkraut as well as nonagenarians do "the nasty," I don’t think I'm too far afield in assuming that most Americans have never tasted proper kraut. (And spare me the gory details of yer last muff-divin' session with yer Boshie girlfriend, smartass.) Even in this country's few remaining German restaurants, the finished product isn't up to snuff. (Hardly surprising, as Mexicans working for five bucks an hour and no benefits can't be expected to morph into Dieter fuckin' Müller overnight, now can they?)
Now I'm a spoiled, insufferable food snob and I admit it. Six years in Germany ruined me, and I make no bones about it. They also convinced me that nobody knows kraut like a Kraut. Here then, is a method of preparation that could easily give the fussiest Hun, Austrian or Alsatian a permanent case of priapism. In case yer wantin' ta impress people an' make em' think yer every bit the globe-trottin', cosmopolitan li'l fuck, the German name fer this dish is Weinkraut. Lay that one one yer ol' lady next time ya want a blowjob…
2lbs kraut
1 smoked ham hock
1 dozen black peppercorns
8 juniper berries
4 whole cloves
1 bay leaf
1 onion, diced
1 apple, diced
1 small potato, grated*
2T lard, bacon drippings, or rendered goose fat.
2t butter
¾ cup dry white wine
2 cups chicken broth
Pinch of sugar
Salt to taste
Simmer ham hock in chicken broth until meat separates from bone. Remove hock and do whatever ya please with it, ya sick freak. Reserve broth.
Squeeze excess liquid from sauerkraut, rinse in one change of water, and squeeze again. This should remove excess sourness. If not, rinse one more time. If it's still too sour, ya should probably stick to Hershey bars, ya sissy.
Over very low heat, melt butter in lard/goose fat/bacon drippings. DO NOT allow butter to brown. Add onion, increase heat gradually, and sauté until translucent. Add apple and kraut, stirring until well coated with hot fat. Stir in peppercorns, bay leaf, cloves, sugar, and juniper berries. Add wine, heat to boiling, and reduce to low. Cover and let braise for ten minutes.
Add just enough reserved broth to cover kraut. Stir in grated potato and heat to boiling. Reduce heat to low and simmer, covered, until kraut is tender, 30-40 minutes. Add salt to taste and serve hot.
*Keeping the grated potato in a bowl of ice water before adding it will prevent discoloration and leach excess starch.
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