Dat's-a One Spicy Meatball!
The wife and I grew a very nice crop of chiles this year: jalapeños, habañeros, poblanos, Hungarian wax, Anaheims, cherry peppers and fingerhots.
We've been using them in every way imaginable: fresh in salsas, soups and stir fries; pickled, preserved in oil, jellied (Maggie's hot/sweet chile-garlic sauce is wonderful on eggrolls), stuffed as chiles rellenos, battered and deep-fried as tempura, and dried, to make our own chili powder.
Since we only use a few tablespoons at a time, I usually pulverize the dried pods with a Regal™ coffee and spice grinder.
Yesterday, Mags and I were puttering around in the kitchen, which is how we spend most Saturdays. (Don't let our "counterculture" image fool you -- we're nauseatingly domestic at times). While I made us a ham and spinach quiche, the spousal unit broke out the grinder and whipped up her first batch of chili powder.
As I've said, we usually grind our own. At times, I have to buy certain chiles (finding seed for guajillos and mulatos, for example, is like pulling teeth), but since I purchase them bulk in Mexican neighborhoods, I can obtain several weeks' worth for under ten bucks. Usually, I'll grind a batch and then let the wife take a whiff before I add it to whatever I'm cooking.
I tend to use anchos, pasillas, mulatos, etc., for family dishes. (My wife and mother aren't as "fireproof" as I am, so I reserve the de arbol, pequin, japones, chipotles, etc. for my personal use.) I also toast my peppers in a dry skillet over medium heat, then seed and devein them before grinding. Not only does this reduce the "bite," it improves the flavor, rather like roasting and peeling fresh peppers. It keeps everyone happy, as I can always add hotter varieties to my own portion after serving the meal.
Yesterday, the wife made her first batch. She selected several dried pods from the basket, put them into the grinder, and powdered them. Unscrewing the glass dome from the appliance, she sniffed the mixture -- and began coughing violently.
"God!" she exclaimed, backing away from the device. "Honey, come smell this." I did as she requested, and my response was only slightly less violent. I've had all sorts of "chile mishaps" in the past, so capsaicin doesn't affect me as intensely as it does others. The whiff, though, was enough to bring tears to my eyes and leave my nose stinging slightly, as if I'd been chopping white onions.
As it happened, Mags had indiscriminately mixed dried, fully ripened jalapeños, fingerhots and cherry peppers - without toasting, seeding or deveining them. The powder tastes great, but Jesus! What an assault on the ol' mucous membranes!
I've half a mind to take some to the next company picnic as a prank, or sprinkle it on the toilet seats at City Hall. (That's the only way anyone will ever get the City Council off their dead asses...)
At any rate, when grinding your own chili powder, sample the peppers first. Ripe chiles are often hotter than green, and dried red peppers are the hottest of all, as there's no water to dilute the capsaicin. Toast the pods in a dry skillet, over medium heat, until they're aromatic and crumbly. Allow the peppers to cool, split them open and remove the seeds and membranes, which contain most of the heat. Be sure to wear rubber gloves -- especially if you've cultivated the disgusting habit of picking your nose.
Bovine Etiquette
Never mind why I'm writing this. You really don't want to know. Just trust me.
I'm not sure how one gets through life without knowing this shit, but some people apparently do.
When dealing with cattle, Gentle Reader, always bear the following in mind:
1.) Cattle are herbivorous herd-animals, and aren't terribly bright.
2.) The female (the cow) is rather docile, as are calves. If you make direct eye contact with a cow or calf, the poor creature is likely to assume that you're a predator and run in the opposite direction. This tends to complicate the process of milking the former.
3.) The male of the species (the bull) is anything but docile. If you make direct eye contact with a bull, he's likely to make the same assumption, or to conclude that you're challenging him. He, too, will run -- but not in the opposite direction. Now you know the origin of the expression "Fuck with the bull, you get the horns."
My wife wants me to add that should you ever need to feed a herd of cattle (especially with bales of hay), un-ass the food from a vehicle. You do not want to be on the ground when they smell it, as cattle are very large creatures, and disinclined to form a neat lunch-line.
P.S. "Mr. X," we wish you a speedy recovery.
Not All Dogs Go to Heaven -- Some Are Consummate Assholes, and Deserve to Go to Hell
Being attacked by a dog is a terrifying and sometimes fatal experience (As self-defense expert, Massad Ayoob, notes in The Truth About Self Protection: "A fifty percent chance of unarmed survival against a trained attack dog is an optimistic exaggeration.") Whenever a medium-to-large predator with a mouthful of dagger-like teeth attacks a human being, an old Spanish proverb applies: "Whether the rock hits the bottle or the bottle hits the rock, it's going to be bad for the bottle."
Unlike most guys with an interest in self-defense, I'm not going to spew out an inane "Well, all ya gotta do is..." piece. There's no such thing as "All ya gotta do." Nothing works for everyone, every time -- a sobering fact when one considers that there's no margin for error when dogs attack. Here are a few tips for dealing with hostile canines, though.
Never try to outrun a dog. It ain't gonna happen. I clocked my last dog, Sweetie (a doberman/whippet mix), at 40mph at a dead run -- which is damned fast for an animal that stood a mere 17" at the shoulder and weighed 65 lbs. I don't care if you're Jesse Owens and Hermes rolled into one -- you ain't gonna beat that kind of speed.
(Being a crazy bastard, I often perform odd experiments. Having admitted that, I hope the Gentle Reader will bear with me. Back in '92, whilst trying to train Sweetie, I decided to perform yet another of my odd experiments. Ordering her to stay, I walked 100 or so yards away from her, and then began to run. She disobeyed my orders, closed the distance between us in a heartbeat, and hit me hard enough to knock me to the ground. I weighed 155 or so at the time, and she a mere 65; but 65 lbs moving at 40mph packs one hell of a wallop. Bear that in mind before running from a dog.)
If there's a tree within a pace or two, go ahead and climb it. (If a pack of Treeing Walker Coonhounds is chasing you, I reckon you're well and rightly fucked -- but I've never seen that happen before.) Otherwise, stay put. Beyond the fact that the only breeds humans can outrun are dachshunds, basset hounds and Cobb County Republicans (none of which is credited with many fatal attacks on humans, by the way), fleeing a dog -- even a friendly dog -- brings its predatory instincts to the fore. Don't run.
If you're able to hit a moving target, a firearm is your best bet. Some years ago, an unsupervised pit bull wandered into my yard, sharply tugging my "pucker string" in the process. Disinclined to leave when I yelled at it, it even ignored a beer bottle I threw at it. I hustled my own dog inside while my neighbor did likewise with his aged golden retriever and two-year old son. I emerged from the kitchen with a .357 mag loaded with 125gr JHP's -- and with every intention of testing an old Vietnamse recipe, if necessary. My neighbor urged me to use the weapon ("That's a pit bull, Dave! Just shoot it! I'll swear it attacked you!"), but I don't like killing anything unless it's unavoidable.
Fortunately, the dog's utter fuckwit of an owner (a crimped-haired, patchouli-scented bimbo in sandals, jeans and and a white blouse trimmed and faced with lace -- and why is it that women who dress that way tend to be "Damien Thorn" with tits and double digit IQs?) came looking for it and led it home. Come to think of it, I should have shot her. Hindsight, though, is 20/20.
Now .357 mag may seem like overkill for a 60-70 lb animal. If ever you've been bitten -- even playfully -- by any of the mastiff breeds, though, you know that their jaws are likewise overkill. My own late, lamented Sweetie once chomped down on my hand (wagging her tail the entire time) hard enough to draw quite a bit of blood and break one of the carpals. She was just playing at the time. Had she been a pissed-off bullmastiff, I'd probably be playing "hunt-and-peck" with a prosthetic hand instead of typing this normally.
A knife is better than nothing, but if you have to use one, you're already well within "Oh, shit!' range. If you have a clear shot (in which case you're already in a world of hurt), go for the abdomen. Unlike human beings (bipeds), a dog has no need for the tough, thick layers of rectus abdominus and oblique muscles that (along with the erector spinae on the dorsal side of the body) help keep us upright. Like most quadrupeds, a dog has no "armor" on its underside. Except for the fact that deer are usually dead when one dresses them; and don't rip huge, bloody chunks of flesh out of other mammals even when alive, they and dogs are equally easy to gut.
I've never had to go this route myself, but one of my old cronies, a gent we called "Freakshow," did. While walking home one night, he was attacked by a large dog, which he disembowled with a hawkbill carpet knife. (Knowing "Freakshow" as we did, a few of us wondered if he hadn't been out looking for something -- or someone -- to eviscerate, but that's neither here nor there.)
Most people don't lug pitchforks around with them (I get some weird-as-hell looks when I try to take mine onto the subway, at any rate), but long agricultural implements are good for threating hostile dogs and/or holding them at bay. I once used one to teach an impudent viszla that growling at me while I was mulching my own garden was impolite, so I know whereof I speak. I suppose a potato hook would have served just as well, as would a hay fork or spading fork. The latter two, though, allow the animal to get too close for comfort. An axe, maul, mattock, pickaxe or sledgehammer would certainly prove lethal against an attacking canine -- but they're a little too slow for my tastes.
As far as nonlethal options go, a good, hard whack with a walking stick, sjambok or bike chain (I carry one all the time, as long-haired, leather jacketed guys lugging bike chains seldom attract the attention of the "blue meanies...") is often enough to deter untrained dogs. It helps to shout when you strike, as loud noises are as startling to dogs as they are to humans. (This, by the way is why your karate instructor insists that you kiai, even if doing so makes you feel like a dork.)
Capsaicin extracted from Habanero or red Scotch bonnet peppers (blend two or three cups with a quart of vodka, then simmer until reduced, and the fumes alone irritate your eyes and nose), then mixed with mineral oil makes a good improvised spray. The oil ensures that the irritant adheres to the dog's eyes, nose and tongue. Commercial pepper spray (or better yet, hunters' "bear spray," which is essentially "Chernobyl in a can") offers a better "beaten zone," if you will. When spraying a dog, you want a wide angle of dispersion (thin streams are too iffy), and you want to hit the creature full in the face so that the spray enters its eyes, nose and mouth. Dont "spritz," either. Lay it on thick, as if extinguishing a kitchen fire. You're not putting on cologne -- you're saving your ass.
If the dog closes with you, drop your chin and face the critter at an angle. Do not afford it a shot at your nuts, whatever you do. My own 45lb. mutt, Conor, can devour a pork rib in minutes. The ol' baw'bag is considerably softer. Just ponder that... And however incredible the assertion, I have it on good authority that most working and hunting breeds bite even harder than Mike Tyson.
Giving a dog a hand or foot as a "sacrifice" is much easier said than done (you'll get all sorts of nasty punctures, lacerations and avulsions, and possibly broken carpals/tarsals, nerve damage or even missing digits. In a worst-case scenario, you might lose the hand...), but it's much better than having one grab your biceps, hamstrings, gastrocnemius or (God forbid) Achilles tendon.
If ever you examine a dog's dentition, you'll note that, like the claws of a hawk or cat, its teeth curve backwards. This is a case of form following function. If this isn't patently obvious to you, you deserve to be torn to ribbons by the next dog that takes a dislike to you.
Be that as it may, I'm a soft-hearted sumbitch, and will tender an explanation. Dogs' teeth curve backwards for the same reason fishooks do -- to keep prey from pulling away. During the Vietnam war, the Vietcong dug punji pits with spikes pointing downward for the same reason: trying to pull away resulted in even greater tissue damage. If a dog grabs you, do not pull away; you'll only increase the severity of your wounds. Push instead. Trust me: the dog will be doing plenty of pulling (and shaking) of its own. As when rolling out of an armbar or wristlock, go with the pull.
Excepting one "yapper" that bit me when I was sixteen (thereby goading me into the rage for which manic-depressives are rightly renowned; and ensuring that I'd play "Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Over the Goalpost of Life" with my Dingos® in the little fucker's honor), and an Alsatian I kicked in its exposed abdomen with the same pair of boots when it unexpectedly and unprovokedly jumped at my face, I've never had to kill or seriously injure an aggressive dog. (Being very fond of the species, for the record, I'm glad I haven't).
I have, however, found a way to discourage them when they bite. This isn't a safe, easy or "sure-fire" move by any stretch of the imagination. If you use it, you will be injured. Not might be injured-- you will be injured, unless you just happen to be wearing a pair of medieval gauntlets. But it makes ol' Bowser want to disengage when performed correctly.
If a dog grabs your hand, follow the pull, then seize and immobilize the back of its head (bear in mind that dogs are very strong, and will resist fiercely. Luckily, you're a "hairless monkey," and your limbs have a much greater range of motion. Think deeply upon this...) with your free hand. Continue pushing, and then either roll your "Dentabone" appendage into a fist or extend it into nukite (the "spear hand"). Pulling the K9 toward you with your free hand, push its mauled mate as far as you can into Fido's mouth. Literally try to force it down the fucker's gullet, as if trying to grab its giblets and pull them out through its mouth.
At this point, the dog will try to disengage -- which means tissue damage for you if it succeeds. This, boys and girls, is highly undesirable, as being torn to shreds is a known cause of hemorrhaging to death. If you can, wrap your legs around the creature to immobilize it, and keep trying to push your hand all the way through its alimentary canal.
I'm not exaggerating in the least: Make it your goal to see your hand emerge from the mutt's asshole. By now, the dog will be thrashing like a mechanical bull (and clawing, as well) but hold on -- your life may very well depend on it. At this point, one of two things will happen: 1.) the dog will go limp; or 2.) it will try (remember, you're obstructing its airway) to whimper or yelp. In either case, you've won. Both are gestures of submission.
Congratulations, you've just become the alpha. Now get your alpha ass to a hospital and have those wounds disinfected and stitched up.
Caveat: Attack dogs or guard dogs (Yes, Virginia, there is a difference between the two) may be trained not to panic under these circumstances. If anyone reading this knows whether or not this is the case, please leave a comment.
If a dog jumps, it's probably going for your throat. This is natural for the dog, but bad for you, as the throat houses the jugular veins, carotid arteries, trachea, and other things you need in order to remain a tax-paying citizen of Midgard. Should the animal clamp down on any of the aforementioned, you'll be PCSing to Niflheim, posthaste.
Now a dog's musculature and skeletal system differs from a human's, especially with regard to the forelimbs. A human being's arms have an incredible range of motion. A dog's forelegs, however, do not. They're meant to move foreward and backward, and that's about it. For this reason, they're easily dislocated when forced to move laterally.
Now before I continue, please read this carefully -- especially if you're a MMA-type (some of you boys are as "punchy" as boxers). Do not try to put a jujutsu-style "submission" hold on a dog. Carotid chokes are useless -- especially when it comes to the mastiff breeds -- and a missing ear or nose is the best you can expect (and something you richly deserve) if you try for a "key lock." You can hyperextend a dog's wrist, just as you can a human's, but you'll almost certainly be bitten -- perhaps even badly -- for your pains.
When a dog leaps at you, you can dislocate its shoulders by seizing its forelimbs and levering them outward, against their natural range of motion. The leaves ol' Bowser unable to walk, which, in turn, affords you the chance to make yourself scarce (and if you maim some dope-dealing bottom feeder's status symbol, you may very well want to make yourself scarce). This move is extremely risky, as you only have one chance to pull it off.
I've seen books that advise wrapping one's arm in a jacket -- as when facing a knifer -- and offering it as bait, but I'd consider that a last-resort option, on par with shoving a hand down its throat or wrenching its forelegs apart. Since most us don't sport moving blankets as capes, I'd only recommend this as a last-ditch tactic, unless you wear a heavy leather jacket or wool overcoat. A dog's teeth will make short work of anything else.
Kicking works -- especially if the dog is jumping, thereby exposing its abdomen -- but if you aren't a trained kicker, you might be in a world of shit. I've kicked dogs and sent them packing before -- but then again, I usually wear boots of one kind or another. I'd be none too keen to try it in sneakers or sandals. Once again, the abs are a good target, as are the ribs. The problem with either is being in a position to kick them. As a dog is on a lower level, spatially, and usually charging along a straight line, its ribs and abs are only vulnerable when it jumps, unless you're a trained matador.
(And how's this for a lowlife image, by the way?: Visualize an "urban outdoorsman" wearing a moving blanket over a pair of shit-stained hospital "scrubs"; traipsing through Bankhead Highway's carpet of empty beer cans and discarded newspapers, talking to people who don't exist, urinating directly into the street, and otherwise minding his own business. Without warning, a pit bull emerges from a gap in a chain-link fence and charges him.
Whipping off the moving blanket, the bum takes it in one hand, and brandishes a broken Thunderbird bottle with the other. Shouting "Toro! Toro! Gawddman po-lice make my ass stank! Toro! Gimme dollah, mothafucka! Toro! I seen the day when the day won't be the day!" he engages the beast in mortal combat.
Upon dispatching it, he's surrounded by a throng of cheering, adoring bag-ladies, who shower him with wilted flowers pilfered from cemeteries, dead rats, tampons and globs of freshly expectorated mucus.
Uh, never mind. My wife just left the room, muttering something about my having spent too much fucking time in Atlanta. Perhaps she's right -- that scene really didn't require much imagination on my part.)
But back to kicking. I've persuaded one dog to take his business elswhere by giving him a "love tap" under the chin. The creature was more annoying than threatening, so I wasn't trying to hurt it. On a larger, meaner dog, though, you'll have to kick hard -- at least as hard as you'd kick a human. Personally, I'd keep it simple. No "dojo ballet," just basic front, side, stomp or roundhouse kicks.
("Back in the day," I used to play a game with Sweetie, who couldn't resist pestering me when I worked out. After practicing rolls or breakfalls, I'd go through a short series of kicks whilst lying on my side: side, roundhouse, and hook. Sweetie would then run up to me and try to grab my feet or pants cuffs, or try to jump on me and wrestle. I used the opportunity to practice the kicks -- albeit lightly -- and try to keep her off me. After a while, she became very good at avoiding the side kick, jumping back just before it hit, and then lunging when I rechambered. She was also pretty nimble when it came to dodging the roundhouse, but the hook/heel kick conncected most of the time, for whatever reason.
I add this because she was a very clever dog. She wasn't "trained" to fight per se, but she quickly learned to dodge, backpedal and -- hower unlikely it sounds -- to feint, after a fashion. Granted, most dogs don't have eccentric owners who "spar" with them, but a dog that's learned to spot a kick coming -- an abused dog, for example, abused dogs being inclined to hate humans -- might very well have learned to avoid it.)
And I that's nearly all I have to say about defending against dogs. A few random points, and I'll be done.
If you have a medium or large dog, "roughhousing" with it is a good, reasonably safe way to learn "dog tactics," if you will. Sweetie was tough as a piglet, and loved a good tussle, as do most large dogs. Medium and large dogs are not lapdogs. They need plenty of exercise in order to remain healthy, so "dog wrestling" benefits the animal as much as it does you. I'm actually glad I thought of it all those years ago, as I effectively killed two birds with one stone.
If you do take up this "interesting" pastime, you're going to be bitten or clawed. Unless you wear protective equipment, there's no way around it. Your pet, though, is not trying to hurt you. It's just playing with you. You might bleed, but you won't lose any members. This, too, is beneficial.
It's analogous to learning to take a punch in martial arts or boxing: an inexperienced fighter will become "gunshy," panic, fly off the handle or otherwise lose his cool when he's hit. An experienced fighter -- whether schooled in a dojo or in the street -- will then mop up the floor with him. This "coolness under fire" is doubly important when one confronts, say, eighty pounds of intelligent, self-propelled bear-trap.
Reading articles of this sort is useless if one doesn't practice the techniques. In order to be effective, they must be ingrained.
G'night and God bless.
PS: Never try to shoot a charging pit bull with a Raven .25 -- right, J.R...? Heh heh heh...
