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July 31, 2006

Things I've Noticed

I've noticed that it's far easier to edit and proofread other people's material than it is my own.

I've noticed that I have three more grey hairs in my spiffy goatee.

I've noticed that I no longer recognize half the local radio stations when I twist the ol' dial.

I've noticed that the nozzle of a tube of Preparation H will actually fit into the top of the tubes of certain brands of toothpaste. The possibilities are endless...

I've noticed that no matter how many times I heard the story in high school, one can't actually get high by squeezing Ben-Gay into a plastic bag and "huffing" it. Nope. Gotta use paint thinner or model glue for that to work.

I've noticed that Charles Krauthammer and Keith Richard are equally cadaverous.

I've noticed that the old "mirror-on-the-shoe" trick really doesn't work that well.

I've noticed that any booze with the word "smooth" on the label goes down like barbed wire.

I've noticed that no matter what loads I use, I always end up with powder residue on my fingers when I put a hundred or so rounds through the ol' "wheelgun".

I've noticed that picking my nose with said powder residue still on my fingers is a bad idea.

One night a few years ago, I noticed that women engage in contradictory behavior at times. I was at a "watering hole" in Buckhead, and essentially "three sheets to the wind." At this particular beer joint, it was policy to treat the ladies in the crowd to a drink if they'd dance on the bar, and to (as I suppose) another if they'd give the crowd a look at the ol' "headlights". I was enjoying the spectacle, and pondering some of the deeper questions of existence. Questions such as: "Why didn't Ronco ever invent and market the "Bris-O-Matic" home circumcision machine?" and others.

Downing another dollar draft, I then morosely pondered my own life, sinking into a nauseating, boozy moment of self-pity.

Yep. Friggin' Bris-O-Matic. That's what they should have used on me 'cause I prob'ly got trauma and damn, that chick has nice calves but what 'bout my poor ol' lonely self, an' this "tear in my beer" and -- what's that cretin starin' at? I oughtta -- damn doctors and life and all that! When I was born, a guy who was six times my height and over twenty times my weight smacked me hard enough to make me cry. A few days later, they cut off part of my Johnson, and it was all downhill from there! Friggin' Ronco! Where'd they get off with all those ads? Never could stand that shit. It's all a plot, I tell you! They're out to get me!

One of my buddies pointed out that one young lady didn't appear to be wearing any underwear. Momentarily abandoning my own incoherent internal dialogue, I tried to get a look. I shrugged at my buddy to indicate that I couldn't tell, and then had a "brilliant" (yeah, go ahead and giggle) idea. Turning my back to the bar, I then leaned backwards as far as I could, and took a gander up her skirt. Aww, gimme a break! Somewhere after beer #10, the social graces fall by the wayside. Besides, I was doing this in a spirit of scientific inquiry. I meant to increase the storehouse of human knowledge by determining whether or not the young lady was wearing panties.

It was still too dark to tell if she was, so when I righted myself, I told my buddy just that. Man, was she mad! Gave me the most venomous look I've ever seen on a woman's face. Women are really weird. That's something I've noticed.

I've noticed that I'll seldom miss an opportunity to dump a nauseating little anecdote about some stupid, crude thing I've done at one point or another in my life on the poor, long-suffering reader.

I've noticed that one guy who shops where I work has really bad "chicken soup" BO, and that I might have to grab him in some kind of restraining hold and run the floor machine over him in order to send the "cleanliness is next to godliness" message to him.

I've noticed that if I were twenty-five years younger, I'd probably be tempted to hawk loogies or toss water balloons at people in the checkout line, as the upstairs office affords ample opportunity to do so.

I've noticed that cops do not like to be photographed by civilians while they're slacking off, but that they'll ham it up for a "media" photographer every time.

I've noticed that mares will, in fact, eat oats, but that does prefer other fodder, and that I've never once seen so much as a single little lamb eating ivy.

I've noticed that for all that I'm occasionally a bit of a degenerate, certain other people follow the calling so far above and beyond the call of duty that I often wish some company would publish an Amplified Bible with commentary and an exhaustive concordance all under one cover, that I might use said tome to bludgeon these noxious individuals, while shouting the old Puritan saying: "Thy ways to mend, this book attend!" at the top of my lungs.

I've noticed that I have to get up in a few hours and go to work.

©2006, David J. Bean


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