Those of you who might have briefly checked in between midnight and 06:00 E.S.T. last night probably got a look at an exercise in sheer venom that I’ve since pulled from the site. To my mind, having given the matter some thought, it rather made the late Syd Barrett look like Anthony Robbins. The post in question was a scathing “open letter” to a person from my past, in which I said numerous things I wish I had said when I had the opportunity. They were vicious and extremely unflattering, and I meant every damned one of them.
Upon arising “dark and early” this morning, I found an email in my box. Said missive was from our own Carmela, who took me to task (albeit very kindly and gently) over having done such an indecorous and unpleasant thing. Still seething, I deferred to her wishes and deleted the post.
Score yet another point for “woman’s intuition.” She understood that when the anger had boiled away into steam as it were, I’d feel like a complete shit over having written and posted it. It seems she was right. I would have felt very badly, not so much for the sake of the party upon whom I chose to vent my spleen, but rather for the sake of the gentle reader, my “long distance conscience,” and myself.
Carmela was right in that writing and posting that piece constituted an act of lowering myself, of stooping to a level I’d otherwise long since left behind and on which I have no business being, if ever I had any business being there.
You’re an angel, dear. My deepest and most heartfelt thanks to you.
I understand that what I did was, in medical parlance, “pretty fucked-up.” The problem for me, though, unfortunately consists of bringing my “gut” into alignment with my rational mind. I was writing out of pain, and owing to various influences of temperament and culture, the venerable, time-honored lex talionis tends to be my “default mode” when hurt or angered.
I’m grateful to Carmela for “bitch slappin’ me like I owe her money” (sorry, Bro. I just had to steal that phrase) and for calling my attention to the lack of character required to do such at thing, but I’m still glad I wrote and posted it, for all that it was only up for a few short hours.
Meaning everything I said provided cause for reflection and led me to ask myself a few questions. I’m still angry, but mainly at myself. Why? Because I’m beginning to feel really stupid, and that‘s one of my very least favorite feelings.
I’ve been tearing myself up over this matter for the better part of two decades, but why? If I can finally come around to admitting all the things about her that I did in the post -- things I‘ve always known -- why did I put her on such a pedestal in the first place? Why would I give a shit about a person so unforgiving that second chances are never extended, and so thick-headed and self-righteous that she believes being factually incorrect is some kind of moral failing?
Yep. I’m really feeling like a grade-A dumbfuck right about now. Why in the hell would I spend twenty-plus years being so in love -- despite her faults -- with a person to whom none of it means anything, a person to whom I’m so dead that she doesn’t even think of me anymore? Why would I waste emotions of such depth and power on someone who, frankly, is so profoundly and demonstrably unworthy of them when there are people out there who are worthy?
Considering the sheer number -- and caliber -- of my friends, why have I been killing myself over the opinion of a superficial, neurotic drama queen for so long?
It just doesn’t make any sense at all. Not even by my own admittedly “unusual” standards.
Well, to hell with her, and to hell with this entire matter. It has to end somewhere. She can have her traumas and her dramas, the midlife crisis, “boy toys” and everything else I have a strong hunch she’ll encounter as her life winds down, and I hope they make her happy. If indeed anything or anyone really can... Sheesh! Anyone who found high school (and public high school, at that) “comforting” is obviously even more fucked-up than I am…
I’ve heard it said that we’re all sinners and I must agree for the most part, but in truth, I am a better man than this, for all that I don’t buy into the rest of the “Stuart Smalley” bullshit for even a second.
I have a feeling I’ll be writing less and less about these matters in the future. I have end-of-season cleanup to do. I have the fall crops to put in. I have two days to buy a buddy a birthday present, as I figure the Lebanese vacation package has pretty well been shitcanned. And I have posts about other matters to write.
Thanks, Carmela.
© 2006, David J. Bean
Bravo, Dave! Whenever you are tempted to seek revenge in whatever capacity, think of the advice you would give (and have given) me in my situation. But first and foremost .. forgive yourself and love yourself for the incredible, wonderful person you are.
Posted by: Carmy | August 18, 2006 at 08:02 PM