Go Tell the Spartans...

     ….That the machairai have arrived.
    
     I’ve noticed, of late, that cajolery, wheedling, and bribery are as essential to a happy marriage as trust, honesty, and shared values.
     A few weeks ago, I developed a hankering for a new “beater” sword. I was hell-bent on buying one, but as Maggie and I exercise joint control over the finances, neither of us purchases anything (aside from incidentals) without the other’s consent.
    My opportunity arose when the poorly manufactured storm door we installed shortly after we married gave up the ghost. Whilst hanging the new one, we noticed that we were shit out of 1/8” drill bits. This necessitated a trip to Home Depot, wherein I spotted several 24” pine rounds. Now there was no way in hell I was gonna pass up pre-cut buckler blanks, and since they were only four dollars and a few cents each (thereby qualifying as incidentals) I grabbed two and paid for them out of my beer money.
     “What are those for, Jeff?”
     “Shields. One for each of us.”
     “Cool! But we only have the bokken and the two-handers. Won’t we need new swords?”
    
     Heh heh heh…. Bump, set, and spike. Don’t mess with the Irish, boys and girls. We’re crafty bastards.
    
     Well, they arrived a few days ago, and I’m quite pleased with them. Overall length is 27” The steel is very thick (nearly ¼” along the spine), a bit blade-heavy (a good feature in a slashing weapon), and the edges were surprisingly functional for “beaters.” Out of the box, they’re quite capable of splitting durians, watermelons, etc., and I’m almost reluctant to grind ‘em flat. I'm halfway tempted to leave them as they are, and reserve them for use on the hacking post. 
     Appearance-wise, they’re exact copies of the swords employed by Leonidas and his Lacedaemonian loverboys (if we're gonna glorify the Spartans, we might as well accept 'em as they really were, right?) in the film 300. Although I have all sorts of problems with the movie (I loathe historical inaccuracy, but that’s for a future rant), I liked the swords. I’ve been in “classical mode” for the last year or so, and as it happened, these were the only quasi-Greek swords on the market that were cheap enough to risk ruining whilst dressing up and playing soldier – or “hoplite,” if you prefer. (And pardon my catch-all use of the term machaira, but if it was good enough for St. Paul, it’s good enough for me. Besides, you sure as hell wouldn’t accuse either of these of being a kopis or xiphos, now would you?)