Green Hell

Going Around My Elbow to Get to My Ass

     I'm a good sport. 
     Really, I am. No shit. 
     I'm also pussy-whipped above and beyond the call of duty. 
     
     Today, the wife informs me that the day-job company wants grilling videos (we're running a promo this week) for its website. She further informs me that I've volunteered to participate. 

    The Bible says that a man and his wife are "one flesh," and given my subordinate position to the Almighty, I can only agree. I can't find anything in either Testament about a man and his wife becoming a hive-mind, or a colonial organism, though. 

    Anyhoo, I agreed to be "videoed."

    Never mind that I prepared four multi-ingredient dishes -- I was restricted to three minutes. 

   It's also worth mentioning that unscripted video isn't my forte (especially when I'm sober). Consequently, I forgot to mention that the kebabs also contain zucchini. 

      Here's the vid - my first on Green Hell. (And here I thought busting my own cherry  -- as it were -- would be more fun. Live and learn.)

     Just posting the damned thing was like pulling teeth, incidentally. Mags just had to be oh-so-friggin'-trendy, and shoot it on her phone, instead of doing the practical thing and using a camera. 

     "Now I'll email it to myself, and you can download it to the computer, then upload it to your blog."

     Only problems being that TP doesn't allow those kinds of uploads. First, one must post on YouTube or a similar site. (I gather that TP has had a problem with uninhibited types posting home-porno, or something like that). Unfortunately, Mags had forgotten our YouTube password. Somehow, she ended up posting the vid to Google+ - which TP doesn't accept. 
    To make a long story short, it took me an entire fucking hour to post a minute or two of footage. 

 

Another Stroll Down Memory Lane (or Hogan's Alley)

 I first produced me pistols/
 and I then produced me rapier/
 Sayin, "Stand and deliver/ 
 For ye' are a bold deceiver...'



"Ya want some Tubby Custard? Well I got some Tubby Custard for ya, motherfucker!" 

"David is a very...troubled young man," says Harry to the new guy -- who promptly clocks out for lunch, and never returns. 
"Hey, Bean! I double-dog-dare you to drop the hammer!" Says Jerry. 
"This is gonna be cool!" says Mike. "Ever see what happens when a Black Talon hits a Teletubby?"
(This gives us all -- even me -- cause and pause for reflection. Apparently, Mike has actually seen what happens when a Black Talon hits a Teletubby. Beam me up, Scotty. This planet's gettin' weirder by the minute...) 



"Well, it ain't the most efficient way of disposing of a corpse, but I suppose it's environmentally friendly. At least what's left of the bastard will be recycled." 
"Just shaddap and find out what's snagging that wire, willya?" 



Eighteen and life to go... Well, not exactly. I'd just turned fifteen a month or two before my brother shot this one. We were living in a shoebox of a Reihenhaus in Rohrbach, Germany at the time. The photo is memorable for one reason only: Chris and I caught one of the best shows we'd ever seen that night -- Girlschool opening for Blackmore's Rainbow at the Rhein-Neckar Halle in Eppelheim.  

 



This isn't an old photo. It's a sketch I drew a few days ago. (It's a caricature, of course, but I take great pride in my near-photographic rendering of the ears.) I've entitled it "Chibi Drama-Queen." 

 And what kind of blogger would I be if I didn't post a recipe or two?



The fried rice recipe is in an earlier post. The side dishes are green bean salad and eggplant relish.

1 lb. French-cut green beans
2 Thai chiles, seeded and minced
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/2t chili oil
2T tamari soy sauce
2T palm vinegar
4T sesame oil
1t sugar
1 shallot,  minced

Blanch green beans in boiling, salted water until just crisp-tender. (No longer than five minutes.) Drain, refresh under cold water, and pat dry on paper towels. Combine remaining ingredients in a saucepan, heat to boiling, and pour over beans. Let cool, and serve at room-temperature.

1 large eggplant
2t toasted sesame seeds
1T soy sauce
1T nuoc mam
1t brown sugar
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 shallots, thinly sliced
1T palm or rice vinegar
1T lime juice 
2T vegetable or peanut oil 
2 Thai chiles, seeded and minced
Shredded mint, cilantro, and Thai basil, to taste

Heat oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit. Prick eggplant with fork and roast until skin blisters and separates from flesh (40-45 minutes). Let cool. Peel and chop flesh. Combine remaining ingredients, mix well, and pour over eggplant. Serve chilled, or at room-temperature. 

Food: Mexican Eats

     Before I begin posting recipes, I'd like to take a moment to discuss the second most important thing in life -- sex. Once you've shagged a Latina, you'll never waste your time on white chicks again. The only exception I can think of is an Irish chick I boinked some years ago. The poontang was definitely worth the effort, but she had some odd behavioral quirks. For example, she always insisted that I wear two rubbers --- to be sure, to be sure.
      Haw! Get it? To be sure, to be sure? I got a million of 'em... 
      OK, I'm done with that part. 

    Now it being as the spousal unit is Messykin, the last few years have amounted to a crash course in cooking south-of-the-border grub. So here's yer boy shakin' his podex in a most undignified, and most un-bogtrotterish fashion, dancin' around the feckin' kitchen, playing his humungous  Epiphone Sheraton along with the CD player, and bellowin' out: "Left my home in Norfolk, Virginia/ California on my mind/Straddled that Greyhound/ and rode it into Raleigh/And down across Caroline'," accompanied (of course) by appropriate bits of pantomime.  

    "Can't you at least put some fuckin' pants on, for Christ's sake?" asks the wife. Grumbling and cursing,yer boy acquiesces -- but vows passive-aggressive spousal vengeance in the process. "That' the last you'll be seein' of it for at at least a week," mutters he.

    Anyway, Bro Rich (the trucker) is making a cross-country run this week, and will be cutting his travel costs by crashing and eating with us. In his honor, we'll be turning the ingredients below into a super-deluxe, DEE-licious, NEW-tritious Mexican dinner.

     The menu:
      Guacamole
     Salsa casera
     Chile con Queso
     Tortilla chips
     Huevos rancheros
     Mexican rice
    Refried beans


 
    Looks -- well -- looks good enough to eat, doesn't it? I'll be posting individual recipes and photos shortly. Stay tuned. 

Soup and Salads

Thought I’d share a few recipes today. The following dishes are easy to make, very tasty, and just what the doctor ordered when you don’t feel like spending all day in the kitchen.

Daikon Relish

1 2” x 6” piece daikon (approximately ½ lb.), cut in to matchstick pieces
2t salt
2T sugar
2T rice vinegar
1t nuoc mam
1 fresh red chile, seeded and minced

Stir salt into daikon. Let sit 20 minutes. Pour off accumulated liquid and squeeze dry. Combine sugar, vinegar, nuoc mam, and chile, and pour over daikon. Let stand at room temperature for half an hour to allow flavors to blend. Chill before serving.

Szechuan Cucumbers

2 kirby cucumbers, sliced
2t salt
3 cloves garlic, minced
3 dried red chiles, seeded and crumbled
1/3 cup sesame oil
1/3 cup rice vinegar
½ cup sugar

Stir salt into cucumbers and let stand 20 minutes. Drain and squeeze dry. Add garlic and chiles. Heat sesame oil in a small skillet, and pour over vegetables. Combine vinegar and sugar, heat to boiling, and pour over vegetables. Let cool to room temperature, and chill before serving.




Hot and Sour Soup

¼ lb ground pork
4 cups chicken broth
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 quarter-sized slice ginger root, minced
2 scallions, sliced
1 3 oz. packet Szechuan preserved vegetable,
½ block tofu, cut into half-inch cubes.
6 dried shiitake mushrooms, reconstituted in boiling water
scant handful dried wood ears, reconstituted in boiling water
¼ cup bamboo shoots, shredded
½ cup baby corn, sliced
2T soy sauce
3-4T vinegar, or to taste
2 green chiles, sliced
½-1t black pepper
2 eggs, beaten
1/2t sesame oil
1T cornstarch, dissolved in water

     Brown pork in just enough oil to keep meat from sticking to pan. Add broth, and heat to boiling. Add garlic, ginger, soy sauce, wood ears, and shiitake, and simmer for 20 minutes. Stir in Szechuan preserved vegetable, bamboo shoots, corn, chiles, and tofu. Heat to a rolling boil and stir in egg, so that it divides into threads. Add vinegar and pepper, and stir well. Add cornstarch and heat until slightly thickened. Add sesame oil, check seasonings, and add salt if necessary. Garnish with scallions and serve hot.

 

Me Love You Longtime!

     As I had a ton of errands to run this morning, I got out of the house as early as possible, and hied me to one of the herb shops I frequent. Initially, I meant only to top off a few of the herbs I most often use -- ginseng, wolfberries, licorice root (more about this in my next post), and red dates. 
     Now being a lazy son of a bitch, I prefer to buy ginseng extract in pre-measured vials, instead of brewing it myself. (It's a pain the neck. The stuff has to be decocted in a pyrex or earthenware pan, it mustn't come into contact with iron, etc.) 
     Anyway, while I was looking for my favorite brand, I had a gander at the shelf above it -- and immediately burst out laughing. The product in question was deer's tail extract -- and one look at the box was enough for me. I had to buy it -- price no object. 
     Needless to say, I've "accidentally" left the box on the coffee table. It should be the first thing the wife sees when she comes home from work. I'm just dying to see how she reacts to it... 



Royal King Deer's Tail Extract. The box-top doesn't leave much to the imagination, does it? 

Chow: Pork Fried Rice With Fresh Shiitake and Baby Bok Choy

2 cups cooked rice, preferably chilled
1/2 lb. lean pork, cut into bite-sized pieces
2T rice wine
1t cornstarch
1/4t salt
1/4t pepper
2 eggs
3 bunches baby bok choy
5 fresh shiitake mushrooms, sliced
4 scallions, thinly sliced
3 cloves garlic, minced
cooking oil
1t sugar
3T soy sauce
3t sesame oil




     Mix rice wine, salt, pepper, and cornstarch. Stir in pork and let marinate 1/2 hour.
     Combine soy sauce, sesame oil, and sugar.
     Separate leaves and stems of bok choy. Slice stems 1/2" thick. Shred leaves.
     Beat eggs. Heat oil in skillet. Add eggs and cook until just set. Remove from heat, cool, and cut into strips.
     Heat oil in skillet or wok. Add pork and stir-fry until meat changes color. Remove and wipe pan.
     Heat yet more oil in wok or skillet. Add garlic and stir-fry until fragrant. Add remaining ingredients and stir fry 2-3 minutes, until bok choy is crisp-tender. Add pork, rice, and soy sauce mixture. Stir-fry until warmed through, and serve.

Jerk Your Meat!

     While I'm writing about food, I might as well post a beef jerky recipe. 

     This one is fairly easy to make, provided that you have the proper equipment. I don't have the proper equipment (as you can see from the Mickey-Mouse setup in the photos below), but that's never stopped me from making it. 

      Now there all sorts of jerkey on the market, but they're ridiculously overpriced, and they're never made exactly the way I like the stuff. This recipe has an Asian flavor, in that I use the same seasonings I would for bulgogi, minus the sesame seeds. 

    Take a pound of beef, trim as much of the fat as you can, and then slice thinly across the grain. (Partially freezing it in beforehand makes the cutting much easier.) Mix the following ingredients:

1/4 cup soy sauce
2T sugar
1T sesame oil
3 scallions, thinly sliced
3 cloves garlic, minced
1t minced or grated ginger
red and black pepper to taste
dash Liquid Smoke (optional)

     Pour over beef and let marinate several hours or overnight. Shake excess marinade off (the garlic, ginger, and scallion occasionally burn and become bitter during the cooking), and thread beef on long skewers. (I used a length of drill rod, which I sharpened on the bench-grinder). 




     Next, you'll need to suspend the meat over a slow fire. As you can see, I simply hung the drill rod over a hibachi, between two stacks of cinderblocks. The cooking takes a few hours, so be prepared to eyeball the beef until it's sufficiently dry. Owing to the sesame oil in the marinade, this version doesn't keep as long as other kinds of jerky, but it should be good for a week or two. 

     That's all there is to it. 

The finished product. 

Why I Love Shopping in Koreatown and Little Saigon

     It's like a crackhouse for noodle-lovers. Need I say more? 

A Medicine for Melancholy (?): Wolfberry Stew

     This recipe is an adaptation of a dish from Daniel Reid’s Chinese Health and Healing (ISBN 0-7607-0771-5).  It’s quite similar to a number of Asian tonic soups, and I’ve stumbled across many such recipes in the past. Reid’s in my opinion, is the tastiest. The only problem I have with his version is the quantity – I’m the only one in the house who really enjoys it, so the leftovers often go to waste.

     According to Reid (and Materia Medica), wolfberries are a kidney and liver tonic, enhance hormone production and boudoir prowess, improve vision, and increase physical endurance. Whether or not it’s the placebo effect, I can vouch for all of them except the part about improved vision. Shiitake mushrooms are believed to contribute to longevity, and have been proven to enhance immune-function and to arrest the growth of certain cancers. (At times, I wish I could have persuaded my late father to eat more of them….)

     Although Reid never makes the claim, I’ve noticed that eating the stew regularly alleviates the nastier symptoms of depression, a condition to which genetics have left me unusually prone.

    1lb beef, cubed
    1 dozen dried shiitake mushrooms, reconstituted in one cup boiling water
    ½oz wolfberries (available at all Chinese pharmacies and most Oriental grocery stores)
    ½ cup rice wine (Shao Hsing tastes better, but Japanese sake works just as well, and is more readily available. Steer clear of Korean chunyeon yaksog, as the suspended yeast is visually unappealing.)

     Brown beef in 2-3T oil in skillet or wok. Remove and drain on paper towels.
    Cut mushrooms into strips, reserving ½ cup soaking water (unless mushrooms contain sulfites).
    Add beef, berries, and mushrooms to pot. Cover with wine, ½ cup mushroom liquid, and 1-1/4 cups water. Heat to boiling, cover, reduce heat to lowest setting, and simmer 2 hours.
     Serve hot, seasoned with sea salt, pepper, and sesame oil to taste.




      

Seasonal Grub: Uses for Leftover Pumpkin

     So you've just shut the kids (or the wife, if she's anything like mine) up by carving a Jack O' Latern for 'em. Now your entire kitchen is strewn with those slicker-than-owl-shit seeds, fibrous pumpkin guts, and the "sawdust" that results from using a carving kit rather than a good, old-fashioned knife.  You probably also have a substantial amount of pumpkin flesh from the cap, eyes, nose and mouth left over.
    The seeds you can roast and salt. They're tasty, nutritious, and widely believed to be good for the prostate. Unshelled, they're a good source of fiber. Moreover, in some cultures, they're a reputed aphrodisiac. (Not that I'd have any way of knowing. Being a 24-7 horndog as-is, I can't tell the difference. You could feed me two dozen oysters on the half-shell, a goatweed salad, and enough fly agaric to kill a horse, and I'd be no more -- or less -- a pervo than usual.)
     The guts and "sawdust"? You're on your own, chief. I'd recommend just leaving 'em, though. Eventually, someone will get sick of looking at 'em, and clean up the mess for you.
     The extra flesh, you can put to good use in the following  recipe:

"Bashed Neeps" Deluxe
3 potatoes
3 carrots or parnsips
2 small turnips or one medium rutabaga
I petrouchka (optional)
Leftover pumpkin from Jack O' Lantern
2 cups water
2t raw rice
2 cups chicken broth
2T brown sugar
2T butter
1 bay leaf
Salt
Pepper
Nutmeg
Pinch of cinnamon
Parsley (fresh or dried)

    Wash and peel, and cut root vegetables into 1" cubes. Pare skin from pumpkin chunks. And cut into 1" cubes.  
    Heat two cups salted water to boiling. Add rice and turnips. Parboil for five minutes. Drain, rinse, then discard rice. (This process leaches some of the bitterness from the turnips.)
     Heat two cups chicken broth to boiling. Add bay leaf, diced vegetables, and a pinch of salt. Return to boiling, cover, reduce heat, and let simmer until vegetables are tender, 30-40 minutes.
     Pour off stock and reserve. Discard  bay leaf. Puree vegetables with a querl or potato masher, adding stock if necessary.
     Stir in butter, pinch of cinnamon, and brown sugar until butter melts and sugar dissolves.
     Season to taste with salt, pepper and nutmeg. Garnish with parsley, and serve warm.

Mo' Betta Food

     Last Saturday, the wife and I found ourselves working different shifts. Hers being later (and more hectic, by far) than mine, preparing her a surprise dinner seemed an affectionate (if calculatedly so) gesture on my part.
    The menu  was simple: General Tso's chicken (he still ain't noticed that it's missin'), Szechuan cucumber relish, jade soup with crab, and plain steamed rice.
     None of the aforementioned dishes is especially exotic, and recipes for all are readily available in cookbooks and on the Internet. I mention them for one reason only: The marinade/coating for the General Tso's chicken consists of soy sauce, "yellow" rice wine, salt, white pepper, cornstarch and two egg whites. 
     This left me with two egg yolks and a quandary. Owing to my near-neurotic obsession with never letting anything go to waste, I simply had to find use for them.  Maggie and I batted a few ideas back and forth, and settled on using them for mayonnaise.
     With the exception of one incident last year, during which we tried to make wasabi mayonnaise and failed miserably (for some inexplicable reason, the oil and egg yolks refused to emulsify),  we've never had any trouble making specialty mayonnaises incorporating such oddball ingredients as minced capers, mashed anchovies, caviar or ikura; ground, smoked salmon, etc. This time, however, I wanted something a little different.
     Starting with a stock, "cooking school" recipe for aïoli, I modified it to suit my own tastes. My wife went gaga over it, and I hope you enjoy it, as well.

     You'll need:

2 egg yolks
¼ tsp salt
2 cloves garlic, finely minced
1 cup oil of your choice
1 or 2t vinegar, to taste (optional)
2t sugar
½- 1t ground chipotle
¼- ½ t Dijon mustard

     Using a mortar and pestle (improvise if necessary), combine garlic and salt, and mash to a paste. In a separate bowl, combine egg yolks, mustard, and a few drops of oil. With an eggbeater or electric cake mixer (lowest  setting -- just trust me) slowly whisk until mixture begins to thicken.  Add remaining oil in a thin trickle, whisking constantly.  When mayonnaise has reached the desired consistency (I like mine on the thick side, but some prefer it thinner); whisk in garlic paste, powdered chipotle, vinegar, and sugar. Add additional salt if necessary. Transfer to a covered container and refrigerate 2-3 hours to allow flavors to blend.
     The inclusion of two egg yolks and two cloves of garlic makes for a very creamy consistency and a bold, strong flavor.  Should you prefer a milder condiment, increase the amount of oil, or reduce the amount of garlic.  The cholesterol-conscious may omit one egg yolk, although the end product will be slightly thinner. Being a cheapskate (and hoping to compensate for the cholesterol in the yolks), I used a 50-50 mix of extra virgin olive oil and canola.
     As I'm fond of strongly flavored foods (my Bro, "J-Dawg," won't even hang out with me when I eat tapenade, taratoor b'sade, or certain curries -- the smell drives him up the wall) I use it as a dip crudités.  It also makes a wonderful spread for sandwiches (especially cold roast beef), and zesty dressing for salads -- especially potato salad, the essential starchiness of which compensates for the strong garlic flavor and aroma.

     Yesterday was Home-Improvement day.  My cousin needed a few extra bucks, while we needed some plumbing done. Call it serendipity...
     Tearing out and replacing a wall is child's play for Mags & Yours Truly, but we don't do plumbing.  I know my limitations, and for anything more complicated than replacing a faucet or toilet, I call the expert -- my cousin.  Naturally, we paid him for the service, but he cut us one hell of a deal. Moreover, he's family.  This being the case, we also plied him with two meals. My wife and mother made breakfast for him while I was at work, while I took care of dinner, which, on Sundays and holidays, we usually take between midday and 14:00.
     As on the day before, it wasn't a fancy meal, but it went over very well with everyone. Two of the items (pico de gallo and tortilla chips) were "stock" comestibles and merit little detailed treatment.

     Pico: char, peel, seed and chop two tomatoes and two Serrano chiles. Thinly slice 2-3 large scallions or chop one small, white onion. Mix, and add two minced cloves of garlic, 1-2 tablespoons of minced cilantro (depending on how much you like the stuff), a tablespoon or more of lime juice, and salt to taste. Refrigerate for at least an hour before serving.
     Tortilla chips: halve ten or more 6" corn tortillas (don't worry if they're slightly stale -- it makes no difference, as you'll be frying them) and cut each half into thirds. Heat ½" or more of oil to 350 in a skillet or wok.  Add tortilla wedges and fry until golden-brown, turning once. Remove with slotted spoon and drain on paper towels. Sprinkle with salt, if desired, and keep warm.  That's all there is to it.

    The next two took some work, and are therefore worth relating in detail. The end products were superb, though, and justified the time and effort.  The first, chile con queso, is another "stock" appetizer (i.e., any fool with a pulse can make it), but extra care results in a better tasting dish.
    I love chile con queso, but not the way certain benighted souls make it. Microwaving a lump of Velveeta and can of Ro-Tel tomatoes is strictly for slobs, and results in an inferior product. My way takes more time and effort, but I think you'll find that the end justifies the extra work.

2 jalapeño chiles, charred, peeled, seeded and minced.
1 large tomato, charred, peeled, seeded and chopped.
1 small onion, finely chopped
2t butter
½ t salt
dash pepper (optional)
½ cup milk or half-and half
2oz. each Chihuahua, Monterey jack, cheddar and American cheeses (use the real thing, not those disgusting pre-wrapped singles), cubed or shredded.

     In a saucepan, melt butter over very low heat. Do not allow to foam or brown. Add onion, increase heat slightly, and sauté until tender and translucent.  Add tomato and jalapenos, and cook 5+ minutes, until tomato releases liquid. Reduce heat to lowest setting and add cheeses, stirring constantly.  When cheeses begin to melt, add milk, increase heat slightly, and stir until smooth and blended. Serve warm with tortilla chips.

     Note: The choice of cheeses is a matter of personal taste. Using Chihuahua alone is more authentic. The addition of cheddar and/or American cheeses is a Tex-Mex practice -- but results in a very flavorful dish. Like most "stock" appetizers, this one readily lends itself to modification and experimentation. Serrano, poblano, or Anaheim chiles, for example, can be used in place of jalapeños. A little chorizo makes a nice addition, as do one or two tablespoons of beer or a teaspoon of tequila. Use your imagination, and let your taste buds be your guides.

     The main dish was that most venerable of mainstays, chile con carne.  My recipe is guaranteed to induce the dry heaves among purists, as it includes ground beef. The ratio of beef to beans, you'll notice, is an obvious concession to Anglo-Celtic palates. When making a truly authentic batch, the wife and I use cubed beef (we're not picky about the cut) and slow-cook it until it can be shredded with forks. We also soak and cook dried pinto beans the night before, doubling the listed amount. (Margarita considers kidney beans abomination, and an offense in the eyes of the Lord). In this case, though, time was of the essence. Although this is a "quick" recipe, the additional care in preparing the ingredients makes for a better dish. It isn't as good as chili cooked in the old-fashioned way (what is?), but it's much better than store-bought mixes, and infinitely superior to that canned horseshit.

2lbs ground beef, lean
2 onions, chopped
3 ancho chiles
1 mulato chile
1 guajillo or pasilla chile
2 cloves garlic, minced
2t smoked paprika
2t oregano
1T cumin seeds
½ cayenne or more, to taste (optional)
1 can chili beans or plain pintos
1 can diced tomatoes with jalapeños
1 can crushed tomatoes
½ cup beer
salt to taste

     Toast anchos, mulatos and guajillos or pasillas in ungreased skillet, over medium heat, until aromatic. Set aside, and toast cumin seeds until fragrant. Remove stems, seeds and veins from chiles, and crumble. In a spice grinder, combine chiles, paprika, cayenne (if desired), oregano and cumin. Reduce to a fine powder.
    Lightly grease a Dutch oven or stewpot. Heat to medium, and brown beef, stirring to prevent sticking. When beef is browned, drain, reserving 2T drippings. Return reserved drippings to pot and sauté onions over medium heat until tender and translucent. Reduce heat, add spice powder, and cook until aromatic, stirring constantly. If necessary, add additional drippings to prevent sticking and burning.  When onions are well coated, add beef and tomatoes. Stir until thoroughly mixed.
    Heat to boiling, and stir in beans and beer. Reduce heat, and simmer, covered, 45 minutes.
    
     Enjoy.

Fun With Fermented Cabbage

Like Rodney Dangerfield, sauerkraut don't get no respect. In this country, in particular, it's relegated to the lowly realm of hot dog toppings, or merely served as a garnish with bratwurst or kielbasa.

This is a crying shame, as the underappreciated vegetable is a delicacy in its own right, especially when cooked properly. High in fiber and vitamin C, sauerkraut can rightly be considered health food.  Its crisp, acidic piquancy also makes it the perfect accompaniment for meats and oilier poultry, such as duck and goose.

Like any food, though, sauerkraut is only as good as the cook who prepares it. Since most cooks, in my experience, prepare sauerkraut as well as nonagenarians do "the nasty," I don’t think I'm too far afield in assuming that most Americans have never tasted proper kraut. (And spare me the gory details of yer last muff-divin' session with yer Boshie girlfriend, smartass.) Even in this country's few remaining German restaurants, the finished product isn't up to snuff. (Hardly surprising, as Mexicans working for five bucks an hour and no benefits can't be expected to morph into Dieter fuckin' Müller  overnight, now can they?)

Now I'm a spoiled, insufferable food snob and I admit it. Six years in Germany ruined me, and I make no bones about it. They also convinced me that nobody knows kraut like a Kraut. Here then, is a method of preparation that could easily give the fussiest Hun, Austrian or Alsatian a permanent case of priapism. In case yer wantin' ta impress people an' make em' think yer every bit the globe-trottin', cosmopolitan li'l fuck, the German name fer this dish is Weinkraut. Lay that one one yer ol' lady next time ya want a blowjob…

 2lbs kraut
1 smoked ham hock
1 dozen black peppercorns
8 juniper berries
4 whole cloves
1 bay leaf
1 onion, diced
1 apple, diced
1 small potato, grated*
2T lard, bacon drippings, or rendered goose fat.
2t butter
¾ cup dry white wine
2 cups chicken broth
Pinch of sugar
Salt to taste

Simmer ham hock in chicken broth until meat separates from bone. Remove hock and do whatever ya please with it, ya sick freak. Reserve broth.

Squeeze excess liquid from sauerkraut, rinse in one change of water, and squeeze again. This should remove excess sourness. If not, rinse one more time. If it's still too sour, ya should probably stick to Hershey bars, ya sissy.

Over very low heat, melt butter in lard/goose fat/bacon drippings. DO NOT allow butter to brown. Add onion, increase heat gradually, and sauté until translucent. Add apple and kraut, stirring until well coated with hot fat. Stir in peppercorns, bay leaf, cloves, sugar, and juniper berries. Add wine, heat to boiling, and reduce to low. Cover and let braise for ten minutes.

Add just enough reserved broth to cover kraut. Stir in grated potato and heat to boiling. Reduce heat to low and simmer, covered, until kraut is tender, 30-40 minutes. Add salt to taste and serve hot.

*Keeping the grated potato in a bowl of ice water before adding it will prevent discoloration and leach excess starch.